No One is Safe

Especially Bloggers

Bugs

Locust infestiation has long been associated with puppies. Having a puppy will undoubtedly lead to severe locust infestation. Unless you have a big bug collection due next week in 7th grade science class, I would not recommend this. As recently as 2004 have there been mass locust outbreaks in Africa.

I reached noted Puppy Researcher and Conspiracy Theorist Dr. Martin Van Nostrand at his residence in New York this week. Dr. Van Nostrand: “I have been researching the phenomenon of Puppies effects on the world for over 30 years, and the 2004 African Locust outbreak may have been their crowning achievement in environmental and ecological destruction. Over the past ten years, we have seen an immense expansion of puppies in West Africa in countries like Senegal, Niger, Mali and Morocco. This carries a direct correlation to the locust outbreak of ’04. You see, when puppies are left unattended, they scavenger for food in garbage, refuse and empty fields. It’s this rummaging in the bush that stirs up the locusts and causes them to breed. My question is this, puppies: Hasn’t Africa suffered enough?” Well said, Doctor. Thanks again for your time. I’m just trying to save Africa.

Image via bemistape at stupidis.com

Surgeon General's Warning

Lice, ticks, maggots, worms, locusts, pee, locusts and even diabetes…what do all these things have in common? They’re all common illnesses and ailments surrounding puppies. These are some themes we’ll be touching on this week.

Disease
You think I’m lying about the diabetes? I have a friend. He is in Medical School. I know these things. Now they’re messing with our blood. See here’s the deal. They wait until you are powerless, and while you rest, they attack. Draw blood on your arm. It’s just a small scrape, no big deal. He just wants to play! He’s so cute I can’t stay mad! How ‘bout a treat, fella? This is how it starts.

So look, people. Diabetes is bad. Puppies will give you diabetes. Puppies are bad. And knowingly giving someone diabetes who just wants to give you snausages, teach you a few dumb tricks to impress their friends and love you sooo, soooooo much? That’s fucked up, man.

Tomorrow: Bugs!

Mission Statement

The Mission around here is pretty simple. I mean, really the title is pretty self explanatory. Puppies are not cute. They are evil. They are not snuggly or adorable. The simple intent of this blog is to inform you of my empirical knowledge of this truth and attempt to save your life from the realm of the puppy’s satanic grasp on society. You are welcome in advance.